FauxVoix VinCuisine

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ALL THE RUMOURS, MYTHS, & WEIRD WINE $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ AND FOOD STORIES YOU CAN HANDLE.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$SS "NO MATTER HOW CYNICAL I GET, I CAN NEVER KEEP UP" (Lily Tomlin)

******************************* WINNER OF THREE MAJOR SPIFFY AWARDS FOR WINE SATIRE !!

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Looking ahead four years to the new Donald "Duck" Trump Presidential Library!!!

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Trump name change?

Dateline Nov 21 - This just in from Fox News North (Postmedia) -- in order to differentiate himself from his various Trump enterprises and empire (Trump University, Trump Towers, Trump Casinos, et al) in order to preserve the blind trust, the President non-elect Donald Trump has registered a surname change, effective immediately upon registration with the Names Commission in Washington, DC. Henceforth he will be addressed after Inauguration Day on January 20 2017 (exactly two months hence) as President Tramp.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Re: Blue Jays Blue Song Rally -- now that it's all over...courtesy of Hank Ballard and the Midnighters

Lol

Joe Bornstein PhD
Health Innovations Group
Managing Director

C-416 356-1874
W-416 604-0440

Please excuse any iPhone typos 



On Oct 2, 2016, at 3:45 AM, Dean Tudor <dtudor@pathcom.com> wrote:

(Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now
It's finger point pointin' time
Finger pointin' pointin'  time)
I feel so good
And that's a real good sign
 
(Here comes Troy and here comes Josh
Here comes Dickey and Jose too
It's finger point pointin' time)
I feel so good
And that's a real good sign
 
(Here comes Happ and here comes Loup
Here comes Edwin and Cecil too
It's finger point pointin' time)
I feel so good
And that's a real good sign
 
(Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now
It's finger point pointin' time
Finger point pointin' time)
I feel so good
And that's a real good sign

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Blue Jays Blue Song Rally -- now that it's all over...courtesy of Hank Ballard and the Midnighters

(Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now
It's finger point pointin' time
Finger pointin' pointin'  time)
I feel so good
And that's a real good sign
 
(Here comes Troy and here comes Josh
Here comes Dickey and Jose too
It's finger point pointin' time)
I feel so good
And that's a real good sign
 
(Here comes Happ and here comes Loup
Here comes Edwin and Cecil too
It's finger point pointin' time)
I feel so good
And that's a real good sign
 
(Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now
It's finger point pointin' time
Finger point pointin' time)
I feel so good
And that's a real good sign

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Re: LCBO to be sold...finally

Yippee 

Joe Bornstein PhD
Health Innovations Group
Managing Director

416 356-1874

Please excuse any iPhone typos 



On Oct 13, 2015, at 6:20 PM, Dean Tudor <dtudor@pathcom.com> wrote:

This just in from our sources: Today, AB Inbev has a agreed in principle to buy the LCBO lock, stock and barrel...In return, Premier Wynne's government will no longer have to fund OHIP until 2035....The Beer Store has been dissolved, and all craft beers from Ontario can now be sold at any corner store that also sells cigarettes.

LCBO to be sold...finally

This just in from our sources: Today, AB Inbev has a agreed in principle to buy the LCBO lock, stock and barrel...In return, Premier Wynne's government will no longer have to fund OHIP until 2035....The Beer Store has been dissolved, and all craft beers from Ontario can now be sold at any corner store that also sells cigarettes.
Chimo! www.deantudor.com

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Great Writers on Wine (by Tim Fish)

{From Tim Fish, at winetoday.com}

What if great writers described wines, instead of the usual wine writer or blogger?
 
Someone like --

Ernest Hemingway -- "It is a wine. A good wine, not a great one. It is red.
Wet. Its power is obvious, obvious and powerful the way men are, men who hunt and
get into bar fights. Real men. Except for the smell. The wine smells better
than the men."

Woody Allen -- "It's n-n-n-n-ot like I'm the kind of person who drinks
Chianti, usually, I mean, I eat pasta and I swell up like a tick on an artery. And
garlic, don't even get me started. Yet I like this tart little red in a half-hearted
Jungian sort of way. I think back to those blind tastings with the Rabinsky Twins, Doris
and Phoebe. I get lightheaded just thinking about it. I still have one of their
black leather blindfolds."

Raymond  Chandler -- "I've swilled better gasoline. That at least was at
gunpoint. I should stick with Scotch but I have a thing for blondes, blondes
like this Chardonnay. I thought it was classy, it had legs tall and sleek as
the Chrysler Building. But it turned out to be trouble, like most blondes, a lot
of flashy oak and cheap perfume. You'd think I'd learn my lesson."

William Faulkner -- "A wine that calls to mind those languorous Southern
summers when the days were oppressively warm and furious and impotent and
you wandered the hills around Jacksonboro with your third cousin
twice-removed on your mother's side, Finnegan  Russell (the elder, not his son
who everyone called Buck) and his half-witted dog."

Shakespeare -- "O nectar, a poetry profound, a liquid fair and hedonistic,
                            a drink meant truly not for mortals but the gods of misty yore.
                            Burdened not by filtering or fining or such slings and arrows
                             beset by fools. Get thee to a bottle."

Dr. Seuss --  "One wine.
                       Red wine.
                       This wine.
                       Bad wine."


Chimo!
www.deantudor.com

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Pandemic Winery to buy Carbon Footprint Wines on April 1

It's April, folks, and Pandemic Winery of the Bruce Trail has announced that it has just bought the California winery CARBON FOOTPRINT WINES, and that these wines will be available in Ontario just in time for Mother's Day. Each wine comes in a two kilo bottle with a four inch cork and original lead capsule.
 
Owner Ron Washam-Dryem's motto at Carbon Footprint Wines was "A bigger footprint gets us closer to our destination." He believed that climate change is real and unstoppable. And while others saw this as a negative, he saw it as an opportunity. An opportunity to speed up climate change, get this whole thing over with, end the suspense and get right down to extinction. Says Washam-Dryem, "We're not killing the whole planet; Nature will survive, it always does, we're just killing off ourselves, the human race, an entirely worthy goal. Now, when Ontarians open a bottle of Carbon Footprint Wines, they can rest assured that we've done everything possible to not only make the wine delicious and satisfying, but we've also done everything we can to have degraded our natural resources and contribute to greenhouse gases. You have our word."
 
In order to produce the finest wines possible, grapes need to have the least competition possible. Every insect or weed, every living thing in the vineyard, detracts from the vines. This is simple scientific fact. Carbon Footprint Wines sprays every single available herbicide, pesticide and fungicide over and over again until the only living thing in the vineyard is the grapevine. They make sure to plant on the steepest hillsides for the best soil erosion results, leeching lots of chemicals into local streams and ridding them of annoying piscine pests. Hillside vines make for fabulous Carbon Footprint Zinfandel. The winery recently dynamited their caves and built a gigantic air-conditioned warehouse so it is certain that every bottle of Carbon Footprint Chardonnay will be in perfect condition after its stay in the electricity-guzzling storage facility. Pandemic Winery of the Bruce Trail will continue to maintain this tradition.
 
Each bottle of the California varietals will sell for $9.95; the first to be available is the Zin Sinfandel 2012, CSPC +66669...
 
Chimo! www.deantudor.com

Friday, January 24, 2014

New Icewine designation approved

The Harper Government, formerly known as the Government of Canada, today has announced that there is a new VQA Canada designation for a national brand of icewine...logo below...
 
 
Chimo! www.deantudor.com

Sunday, July 28, 2013

BC Wines to find New Borders.

HOTEL NOTL -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- Foxy Wine News Network North, absorbed by scores of people every weeknight, has just learned that on Thursday Win-Win Wynne, the Temporary Premier of Ontario, a have-not province, had spoken out about the possibility of BC wines for purchase in Ontario....
 
According to other press accounts, after a meeting with colleague Temporary Premier Christie Cookie of British Columbia, an off-the-landshelf province, Win-Win Wynne delivered the following statement:
 
"Premier Clark and I had a good conversation while sharing a case of BC wine -- what we talked about was how we can continue to work together to slow the Canadian wine industry and to diminish our markets. Saviour Harper has decided that the future of Canadian wines will be elsewhere: China."
 
More on this story as it develops...

Monday, April 1, 2013

Mayor Rob Ford aka Schadenford Resigns for Government Position

TRAWNA – (GOSH News Services) – The Canadian Foxy Wine News Network North has just learned that Mayor Rob Ford (also known as Schadenford) is poised to make a dramatic announcement by noon today. Taking advantage of the sleepy Easter Monday non-commute, Mayor Ford had hoped that this one would slip by the media. Indeed, according to our best sources, it appears as if Mayor Ford's announcement will only be made by his brother, Councillor Doug Ford, acting in his place, and thus Schadenford will not be available for comments.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for some time now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Apparently, Mayor Schadenford has been ousted from office. He had been told to resign by an unnamed team of several thousand well-placed Torontonians. He agreed – so long as he could become the new CEO of the

Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by Win-Win Wynne. That was the price of his removal. Indeed, according to our well-known "anonymous sources", he has already left the building, that is, City Hall.

 

Ford's immediate plans certainly involve creating new wines, beers and spirits featuring the well-known "Gravy Train" © TM label. These will roll out over the next few months, heavily pushed by a bevy of former gravy train recipients. Word has also come down, from our more reliable "confidential sources" that he is about to crack open the Oooopsie union. Work will be further contracted out even more than now, but at first only in Western Ontario – west of Yonge Street.

 

The LCBO buildings at Queens' Quay will be sold for subway barns and parking lots. The Liquor Transfer Tax will be dropped, allowing for a savings to the taxpayer of eight cents on every bottle of alcohol sold in Ontario. According to our confidential sources, Schadenford is also looking forward to his own, private rehab room just off from his new offices.

 

Stay tuned for our special "What the LCBO will be like under Rob Ford" premiering later tonight on this channel…

 

 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Important hot links re: latest wine writer breach of ethics...

Subject: Important hot links re: latest wine writer breach of ethics...

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Twitter hashtag #natnabbed
 
 
 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Pandemic Winery Gets Reviewed!!

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- Foxy Wine News Network North has just learned that the respected Pandemic Winery, run by Harley Burr near Sudbury, Ontario, is fast approaching bankruptcy. His wines do not sell in great quantities -- he thinks it is because they do not get reviewed.
 
"But I've been redeemed! Some blogger managed to track me down and requested review copies, and I did not even have to pay to play!! I sent off a mixed case, but only one review has appeared...here it is, from my Pinot Gris/Pinot Grigio Late Retard Blend 2011, 12% ABV, $11.95 plus deposit --
 
* Classic but sugary, modest but equally complex and stunning Pinot Gris/Grigio blend. The Pinot Grigio component has essenses of garlic, fat dried berry and forward licorice, while the Pinot Gris component is reminiscent of cardboard, whimsical pepper and strong-willed lime. Drink now through April, with lamb lights. Rated: 89/100 -- NMAC
 
I asked who NMAC was, but instead I was referred to a directory which I am still looking for. Ah, well...I hope the sales roll in to stave off the default on my bank loan."
 
More on Harley Burr's story as it develops....
 
 
 
Dean Tudor, Ryerson University Journalism Professor Emeritus
Treasurer, Wine Writers' Circle of Canada
Look it up and you'll remember it; screw it up and you'll never forget it.
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Book Review: 1,001 Complete Meals That You Can Whip Up in Less than 20 Minutes...

            1,001 Complete Meals That You Can Whip Up in Less Than 20
                              Minutes while Drinking Two Glasses of Red Wine,
                              That Everyone in Your Family, From the Vegan to
                              the All-meat Eater to the No-Fat Fanatic to the
                              Picky-Just-For-Picky's-Sake, Will Happily Consume,
                              That Contain Only Ingredients You Always Have on
                              Hand Anyway, Are Relatively Healthy Meals, and Cannot Be
                              Burned or Undercooked or Ruined in Any Other Way,
                              with a Special Supplement and Menus for Weekend or
                              Holiday Entertaining crafted by Some of North America's
                              Finest Executive Chefs. Third edition. (Pandemic Press, 2011, 781
                              pages,$49.99 CND hard covers) is by Roz Chast. It has
                              been authorized by the Professional Food Network
                              Television Cooking School. The title says it all.
                              There are full-page, full-colour gastroporn photos
                              by 12 international food stylists, and the book has been
                              endorsed (logrolled) by Charlie Trotter, Mario Batali, Gordon Ramsay, Rachel  Ray                              
                              and Emeril Lagasse. All recipes have ingredients
                              listed with every known weights and measures
                              system in the world. Bold face type fonts are used
                              where appropriate, and there are twelve wine
                              recommendations for each dish and budget. The last
                              chapter has several thousand tips and advice on
                              how to get others to clean up the kitchen and put
                              out the garbage (most of these involve enslavement
                              of the kids and pets). The book concludes with a
                              source list from every country in the world, plus
                              a comprehensive massive bibliography.
                              Audience: any cook in the land
                              Some impressive recipes: foie gras terrine for
                              under $10; oysters with chewable shells; no-veggie
                              salad; double chocolate mousse with triple creme
                              cheese augmented by a quadruple bypass; Chateau
                              Petrus alfresco bagatelle.
                              What I don't like about this book: the pages are
                              stiff and don't photocopy very well
                              What I do like about this book: the 100,000 items
                              index really works, especially the internal
                              seventh layer of the cross-references.
                              Quality/Price Ratio: 98.
    
 
 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

LCBO to change its name, direction, and consumer data...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by just under 4,000 viewers every night, is proud to present a new investigative journalism show: The LCBO Today…Premiering Fridays at 9PM. Here's a sneak look at out first story …

 

In a move designed to regain control of its place in the Ontario government system, The Grate McGinty has decided to rebrand the LCBO. Formerly known as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty, it will now be known as the Losing Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Loosely Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.

 

Why the subtle change? Said a spokesperson, "It was time for a change. We got tired of being hammered all the time by the Foxy Wine News Network, and decided to re-brand in order to get out from under their sharp eyes."

 

McGinty has hinted that other changes were afoot. The Crown Corp has quietly changed its Sugar Codes, in effect for well over 50 years, to be more urbane so consumers will not have to dodge the question of whether they like their wines sweet or dry. Said one consumer, "I usually like my red wines with upfront jammy fruit, and I got tired of seeing a Sugar Code of 2 or more. Now, it is just labelled "Dry" because there is enough finishing acid to compensate."

 

The Losing Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Loosely Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty appears to have gone even further: the alcoholic content of wines on its website catalogue disappeared overnight, causing great concern among consumers used to bragging about drinking high alcohol non-Amarone wines at the 15 to 16 per cent level.

 

Said one consumer, "It's a macho thing: not only do I drink it, I tell other consumers in a game of one-up-man-ship, I was there first. I did it, I drank it."

 

Is the LCBO indeed "losing control"? Stay tuned for the four part series, beginning Friday, April 27, 2012 at 9 PM DST, on the Foxy Wine News Network….

 

 
Dean Tudor, Ryerson University Journalism Professor Emeritus
Treasurer, Wine Writers' Circle of Canada
Look it up and you'll remember it; screw it up and you'll never forget it.
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

LCBO to rebrand as ABCO, announcement forthcoming later today

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by just under 4,000 daily TV viewers, has just learned of momentous changes coming to the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.

 

Apparently, in a brave attempt to reinvent itself, the LCBO will be assuming new branding and new revenue opportunities. A press conference has been called for later today, after the Eastern markets close, at about 5:30 PM DST.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

What our sources suggest is this:

 

First, the LCBO property at Queens Quay and Lake Shore will not be available for sale. It will remain with Ontario, A Have–Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.

 

Second, the property will be re-configured as a combination store. Leading the way with dramatic changes are Daniel Libeskind (think ROM) and Jack Diamond (think Four Seasons Centre). Yes, there will be a Crystal, and "maybe" it will be a "Diamond Crystal".

 

Third, the LCBO will be renamed to closer reflect the intent of the new operating agency: ABCO -- Alcohol, Brothel, and Casino Ontario.

 

The Ontario, A Have-Not Province, announcement will concern the re-adjustment. The ABCO will be responsible for developing alcohol sales, brothel operations, and casino gambling in Ontario, beginning with the Jumbo Palace at Queens Quay. The Brothel will be constructed as a see-through Crystal so that everyone can look at what is happening through its transparency; the Diamond facility will concern the Casino's gambling activities; and the Alcohol sales will remain in its drab but lucrative lustre. It is expected that traffic will flow from one to another with ease, especially through the Austrian whorehouse motif of Brothel Ontario.

 

Said Flighty Dwighty, Ontario's Have-Not Minister of Finance (with cabinet responsibility and accountability for the ABCO), "It's not a casino. It's an entertainment destination with take-out. It will likely be unparalleled in the country. These palaces have some of the finest shopping, restaurants, convention facilities, park spaces, open spaces -- imagine an anchor that could create a golden mile on Toronto's waterfront and that's quite possible." (Globe Tuesday April 10/12, pA10).

 

Sources also say that it will be an all-in-one vice operation under close police control.

 

On the one hand, the Ontario Government of a Have-Not Province will lose out on the $200 million appraisal of the Queens Quay property. But on the other hand, it won't cost more than one billion dollars to re-design and refurbish the existing buildings and warehouse for a combined alcohol-brothel-casino operation.

 

Where else could you find three male pleasures under one roof (with take-out), especially when it rains? More on this story as it develops…

Sunday, April 1, 2012

April job offer at LCBO

TODAY is April 1, 2012 – also known as April Fool's Day, 2012. To me, it is the most sacred day of the year as it is the one day that I am TOTALLY serious…the rest of the year is a joke, fodder for FauxVoixVinCuisine.

 

Accordingly, I'd like to announce that I'll soon be getting a new job: Toronto Marketing Manager at the LCBO. They were "looking for a smart, creative and likeable superstar to join our marketing team. As a Marketing Manager, you will lead the strategic and creative development of in-store promotions and multi-media advertising designed to promote LCBO products, generate increased store traffic and sales, and deliver an engaging customer experience."

 

They like me for my "Superb verbal and written communication skills to effectively manage staff, direct agencies, designers, photographers and copy writers, and to deliver briefings and presentations." As well as my "Strong creative eye and the ability to produce beautifully designed and compelling communication pieces."

 

But first, I need to "Develop strategic marketing plans based on research and analysis, consumer insights, and trends that deliver measurable sales results and customer engagement."

 

With my contacts Brett Grimsby and Miffed Mole, I can "Plan, create and implement highly engaging promotions that highlight LCBO as a world-class retailer of beverage alcohol products, a destination for entertaining inspiration and a friendly and approachable source for product knowledge." I can also "Plan, develop and execute in-store POP, merchandising, brochures, free-standing inserts, ROP, radio, out-of-home, TV, and digital communications."

 

Once I start this job, I'll honourably resign as Treasurer and Member of the Wine Writers' Circle of Canada (conflict-of-interest by-laws), but, of course, after I transfer the several hundred thousand dollars in the Treasurer's account over to my offshore interests…

 

So:  there will be plenty of gravy available for my fellow WWCC cohorts and colleagues. I'll be calling on you to help supply me with ideas and copy, for which I will pay and for which you will receive credit. I'm looking forward to it all. And you know what? There's probably an app for this job…I'm just sayin'…

 

Monday, March 26, 2012

LCBO to raise prices 50% on high alcohol wines

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, always enjoyed by 4,000 weeknight watchers, has just learned from our sources that The Grate McGinty's Minority Ontario Government, a Have-Not Government in Canada, will be seeking more money from the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this leaked story, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may be imminent with tomorrow's budget, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

According to a spokesperson from the LCBO, the Darth "Vader" Grabinsky report commissioned to assess ways and means of revenue generation at the LCBO actually included an idea on raising wine prices.

 

Lax Oversight, the LCBO spokesperson who subsequently denied that his conversation was "on the record", said that the Ontario Budget will propose an immediate 50% increase in the base price of all wines sold in Ontario which exceed 12.5% Alcohol By Volume (ABV). Those fruit bombs are going to cost more money beginning Tuesday March 27, at 5PM. This is supposed to be part of the LCBO's "Return to Normalcy" campaign, in an effort to reduce the higher alcohol levels in wine and produce more revenue at the same time.

 

Foxy Wine News Network will stay on top of this story and will report further as new developments emerge…

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Deal with Grabinsky and Ontario Government over Ontario Alcohol

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – There's been a recent development in the perceived takeover of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.

 

The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that a deal has been negotiated with Darth Grabinsky, who is currently serving time for a range of wrong-doings. According to high-ranking officials, the Minority Have-Not Government of Ontario has bargained with the convicted Grabinsky, giving the former entrepreneur one week to take over the LCBO and to fix it in exchange for a major reduction to his sentence, in essence setting him free.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

After determining that the current flak about contrived wholesale prices could not be resolved by conventional means, Ontario wine agents confronted Grabinsky and proposed a mutually beneficial arrangement that will make him (in conjunction with the Ontario legal system) a free man if he can safely get in and get out and turn around the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.

 

Said Miffed Mole: "Basically, he's agreed to the mission. There's a strong chance that he'll go rogue once he realizes it is all but hopeless, so we've implanted a tracking device in his body. We're also prepared with backup. Mayor SchadenFord of Toronto has agreed to come in with us on this: he wants "subways not LRTs (Licensed Restrictions on Tipples)", so this is perfect timing. Since he is now in danger of being dismissed as Mayor, we have his utter co-operation for a potentially hefty buyout – he won't go rogue, so we won't have to dig through his body to plant a device."

 

Byzantine expert Grabinsky is expected to sort his way through a maze of complex multiple-source spending, revenue-sharing, and tax credit advantages to juggle the substantial costs of the wholesale system.

 

The Foxy Wine News Network, which, like every news organization, doesn't know anything about economics beyond arithmetic and paycheques, will be hiring outside consultants to advise its news presentations.

 

More on this story as it unfolds tomorrow…

 

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

On This Day in Wine History...part two

 

ON THIS DAY IN WINE HISTORY IN THE ALTERNATE BUT PARALLEL UNIVERSE --

 

Another fill-in feature from GOSH Wine News Services..

 

On this day in 1970, the LCBO began re-inventing its stores to allow for self-service. Customers could now touch bottles, leaving behind their DNA which was swept away for testing and filing. The LCBO now has the largest data bank of DNA materials in the world, with some 120 million samples. It is now poised to charge for its lab DNA analysis and results.

 

On this day in 1989, NAFTA was signed. At the same time, the principals in the Ontario wine industry ignored the warning signs and decided to do nothing, until it was too late. Now, there will never be any free-standing VQA stores, and California wines lead the province in wine sales.

 
 

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

GOSH: Foxy Wine News Network Clarifies Queens Quay LCBO Story

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, now watched intensely by over 4,000 viewers every week night, would like to issue a correction re-call notice.

 

Foxy Wine News Network would like to re-call the story we put out on January 14, 2012. It was a feature about "critter wines" and the imploding Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. The feature was about animal wine labels cluttering up the Queens Quay warehouse to such a level that pest control units (PCUs) had to deal with the SKUs and clear out the vermin.

 

This was the item that formed the basis for the necessary sale of the land at Lake Shore, Freeland, and Queens Quay, supposedly worth a quarter of a billion dollars.

 

Foxy Wine News Network wishes to apologize for not drawing your attention to the fact that there is no agreement on whether there is an apostrophe in Queens, or that Quay is pronounceable only if you are French.

 

Additionally, Foxy Wine News Network mistakenly reported that the story was written in January 2012. We meant to write it in 2009. Foxy Wine News Network regrets the error.